Sudden Bursts of Emotion

Grief is such a strange happening. I'm fine most days. I am moving on with my life and working, smiling, laughing, etc. My life is not over, by any means, just because my mom's is. There are days I feel pain about that. I was calling it guilt, but it's not. It was guilt the first week or so and then it was just pain that my mom's quality of life was so low at the time of her death. I still feel that pain. I feel badly that there wasn't more any of us could do to help her with that. She acted as an emotional drain for me so often that we argued more than anything else. I have not gotten into the habit of romanticizing her in death. That's good. But I do miss her. A lot.

As for the other days, and this is one, I'm not exactly fit for company. I got so mad yesterday and said something  about it today and that brought on a fresh onslaught of tears and grief. At the funeral, there were poster boards filled with comments from her students about my mom. And they've been sitting where they were put when we got home from the service. My dad, in his effort to re-vamp the house, just bent them up and threw them in the garbage. I had intended on removing the comments and putting them into a keepsake box. I was so angry. I didn't tell him what I planned to do so he had no way of knowing. I was just SO angry. I still am. I said something to him just now about it but I'm still sitting here crying because of it.

I think it is possible that there is a part of me that needs to be angry with him. I'm not sure the real reason. It could be any number of the following. I needed him to grieve more. I needed someone there for me emotionally. I needed what everyone else was telling me to be true, that he needed me during this time. I needed someone who was a part of my day-to-day life to understand that I am hurting really badly. It's only small portion of the time, but I know I have those thoughts and those feelings about the situation. Otherwise, I'm fine with it. I'm hurting, but I do understand my dad. He's really a good guy. He's just not capable of the emotional side of things. It's awkward for him. And that's ok. I don't expect it really. But living in the same house with someone that should be going through the same thing you are and yet being alone in your grief is ludicrous on some levels. I'm sad and I'm alone and the icing this week was that he through all those memories of my mom from the thing she loved most in her life away without even a thought that one of us might want them.