It was the best of times...

And it's definitely the worst of times. I wrote about my friendship strifes last time. Well apparently there was more to it than I realized with one part of that. A friendship that I've had for over 10 years seems to have ended. At one point in time, she knew me better than anyone in this world did, and fairly often, better than I knew myself. My trip in August seems to have changed that. At the request of others, my trip was not only to enjoy some time with my friends and have a vacation from work, but also to enlighten those I was to be visiting with a fresh perspective (aka, truth-telling sessions in which participants get "told" about themselves). I tend to do these types of things normally,but when it's requested I do take it a little farther. So, admittedly, I was a little taken aback when, with my services rendered while I was there, I have been (basically) shut off from communication from these participants.

I was devastated when this friendship was suddenly jerked from me a year or so ago, and grateful to have it back after a 10-month, non-consentual hiatus. Maybe that time hardened me. Perhaps it was the circumstances under which the communication seems to have ended this time. Maybe it's other factors of my life playing into the situation, seeing as my life has changed rather drastically in the last 8 months or so. Whatever the case, what does it say that I'm not terribly upset that I'm no longer in real contact (other than being on the FB friend's list) with someone who was my platonic soul-mate, my bitch, my heart and my ultimate in best friends? I'm having to fight away that tendency I have to be cold towards the situations I find distasteful. I am only trying to remain warm because we do have such a long and crazy history together.

Don't get me wrong. I do, and will continue to miss what we had. But I've missed it before. This isn't the only friendship that has been jerked away from me, suddenly and without explanation and I'm sure there are more to come. But it gets harder, each time and no matter the person, to remain open to new situations. That constantly hurting, ripping, and shredding of someone you are supposed to care about, whether it's intended to be malicious or not, is akin to betrayal in my eyes. You might as well rob me, kill my cat and then have me arrested. No, that is not an invitation to cause me pain. I do not react well.

I think maybe that between the last time, knowing her and the situation as I do, and the amount of emotional pain I've had to endure this year are enough. I don't think I'm willing to entertain any more than self-inflicted or invited pain until after the new year.