Infertility

Brandon and I had a conversation last night. It was very brief and we both were a little closed off about the whole topic. But it's been weighing on my mind today. I mostly push the bigger, broader things in my life away to arms length so that I can focus on the day-to-day. I don't ignore it or pretend it's not there, but I don't want to spend every day wallowing in self-pity and depression. It's not who I am. This particular topic of conversation is one of those things that brings that stuff on.

I was walking through Walgreens yesterday afternoon while waiting for my prescriptions to be ready. Every time I walked by something designed for children or mothers, I made a little light notation that I would probably never need that.. or that... won't need to worry about that problem, or those. It's moments like that when I have that little ping hit me that while I really hope it's not true. The little ping feels like the realization that I will never have children. I will not be a mother. Inside my body, that sentence sounds like "I will.... never (feeling of dread, disappointment, sadness and fear mixed with a skip of my heart and the sound of tears in my head)... have.... children. Oh god. How can I never be a mother? I'd make such an excellent one. I deserve to have me passed on. Why am I not allowed? What did I do wrong? Why not those other people who do such horrible horrible things? Why are they allowed to have children anytime they want and I am not? I don't necessarily believe in a higher power, but that doesn't keep me from being angry at God when I feel that way. And all of these pings... these thoughts of helplessness and sadness seem to pass through me within a matter of seconds. And then I move on with my day...

Sure, it takes me a little longer to be happy for someone who is pregnant or adopting. I am happy for them. Or at least I will be.... eventually. But I can't be at the beginning. It's the stab of jealousy and smidge of anger I feel towards that person for having what I am seemingly incapable of. It really makes me angry with people who have a small horde of children (and sometimes a large horde) and they want to complain about how those children are affecting their lives. PLEASE be careful about what you say to me because it is absolutely not below me to remind you of what you have in a way that will/should make you feel horrible about it.

Now the reality of it is that I wouldn't get pregnant if I could help it right now anyway. I'm so close to healing with the PG and I need to be on the drugs I'm on for a big longer. And then, because of the painful side effects, I need to wean off of them. I can't take them at all if I'm pregnant. Not to mention, I just would much rather be healthier if I'm going to be carrying a child and then caring for one. It's just common sense.

As any female (and many many males) know, common sense, logic and  emotions are very often NOT on the same wavelength. So I get a little depressed. I certainly don't bring up the conversation with Brandon. He got a little wind of my thoughts last night and got the impression that I've given up an formed the opinion that I will (absolutely) never have children. I don't want to feel that way. I want to continue to think that there is hope. That somehow, I will heal from all of the current stuff, get all the other stuff in order and magically be healed hormonally. It's a bit of fairyland promises to myself. I don't necessarily believe them... all the time.

I guess the bottom line is that I want to have children. Very badly. I know that Brandon does too. He's even picked out the lullaby he would sing to the babies. He deserves to be a dad. I want to give him that. After all, he gave me something very special in marrying me. I want to be able to walk around the baby stuff and say "thank goodness I don't need that stuff anymore!" because I've already had to use it once (or twice). If I'm sad, or standoff-ish around your pregnant self or your children... or your happiness, I hope that you understand. It's not about you. It's about my dealing with my own emotions. Maybe now that I've written this down, I can get back to doing productive things instead of thinking about it.