I randomly find things that are awesome in some form or another and I become inspired to create myself. Not that I actually sit down and create. I am completely lazy about those things. I have always been easily distracted by those things that I don’t require thinking to do (watching tv, playing games, etc). I’m not even so sure that it’s necessarily laziness. Oh, don’t get me wrong, part of it is. I am a lazy human being and I probably always will be. I can talk myself down from a ledge faster than anyone I know and then manage to go blasé about the entire idea of going back up. It’s not fear. It’s lack of concern. It’s really kind of annoying.
Anyway, I do believe I’m beginning to discover that a good chunk of my unwillingness to do these things I want to do so badly is fear. I am already painfully aware of the multitude of things I suck at. These are things that I can’t always fix (at least not in a hurry). I can’t fix my hormones (without medical intervention)or the fact that I’m considered unattractive to the male species (yes, species). I’m attractive to some of them. Unfortunately, the majority of that category are a whole issue unto themselves. But I’m not here to bash them. I’m here for me… as always. I’m not the only sniper with their gun facing backwards, but I’m a clean draw.
I don’t doubt that I could create any of these art pieces that my muse, ever so lovingly, shoves in my head and slams it around until I can’t take it anymore. I found out a few semesters ago that I can, in fact, draw. And that’s great. I still can’t do people, but that may be because I refuse to try after sucking at it a few times. It falls under the same reasoning of why I rarely sing in front of people. It is simply because people have jokes. And I don’t appreciate the ones that only they think are funny. Those types of jokes make me seethingly angry. The simple words, “Don’t quit your day job! ” are enough to cause my blood to boil and the need to want to become severely violent. I suppress those feelings of unwanted anger and the following bewilderment by just not singing in front of anyone that I don’t fully trust with my heart and soul. The few of those people that there are. And so it goes with all of those creative things I really want to do. Laziness and fear. The two, unending and unyielding banes of my existence.
Now why, you might ask, do I let these seemingly trivial things bother me if I can identify them? Because I tire of being constantly criticized. By everyone. All the time. Whether they know they’re doing it or not. Up until recently I thought that my closest friends were the people that I could totally be myself with and not have any repercussions of things I might say or ways I might behave. Sadly, it’s not true. I very recently had two separate friends be offended by me and things I’ve said. And on the one hand, it bothers me that I would have bothered them to that point. On the other, I’m kind of annoyed by the fact that my person or personality has not changed. And when I’m with my friends, I most certainly do not expect their true selves to be hid away to appease me. I’m all about “be who you are and I’m going to like it or I’m not.” So why should I have to do the same to appease certain of my friends who are put off by the same mannerisms I’ve had the whole time I’ve known them? I don’t run around in public (or in private for that matter) screaming violently everything that is personal and private about that person. One did not appreciate being the butt of my jokes in a social setting. The same social setting where everyone, at one point in the night or another is the butt of my joke. Myself more than others. I do understand her point to an extent. The particular social setting in question is one where respect should be upheld between one type of person and another. Blah blah blah…too complicated for this. I know what she means and I appreciate her letting me know that she was bothered by it. But why do I suddenly need to watch how I am with her when I haven’t had to do that in the years I’ve known her. Now I feel like I’m going to be walking on eggshells around her and I don’t like that feeling with anyone I know. The other person in question offended me by being an ass. I can only assume that he decided to act like an ass towards me because he was offended that I told him the truth about himself (which I’ve done since the day I met him, only this time it’s been a couple of years since I’ve had the opportunity). I say I can only assume he is offended because he has chosen to take the opposite road of previous friend and isn’t going to speak to me at all. Granted, it’s just two people in my list of friends, but these two people matter to me.
I’m not sure how I got off on that tangent, and in keeping with tradition, I’m not going to go back and read this before I post it. It’s more cathartic to just put it out there. Although, knowing I’m posting it here leaves a pretty good chance that it won’t get read at all. I’m either ok with that or it sucks.
Back to the creativity thing. I want to make art. I want to make art all the time. I get pictures in my head of things I want to see as art by my own hands and I can’t get them out until I play World of Warcraft or Bejeweled until I can’t remember what they look like. It’s getting to the point of ridiculous. I’m taking the semester off of school and then I’m hoping to go to more of an art school. You’d think I would want to be practicing my ass off in preparation for what I’m sure will be the most critical part of my school career (and a career it is turning out to be). Whatever I decide to do about this particular conundrum needs to be settled quick, fast, and in a hurry. I know I can’t keep going in the direction I am because I’ll never get anything done this way. This 4.5 month funk is turning into a full-out depression and I really am not going to deal well with that.
On a side note: guys who say they are interested and really make a girl believe it (for whatever reason they put that kind of effort into it) and then never contact them again…need to suck my dick. Is there hypnotherapy for rejection issues? Cause I’m hauling around the motherload.
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