Restless Thoughts

There are many words that I consider vulgar. None of those are any of the normal vulgarity referred to by the common public. Words that are vulgar to me are those associated with meanings or emotions I find to be particularly vulgar on a day-to-day basis. Vulnerability, loneliness, betrayal, infertile, and a host of other similar types of words are the worst ones you can use...

The worst word in that one is vulnerability. All of the other vulgarity involved in my word list tie into that one. I was vulnerable as a child because I was a child. I was naive to the world around me and I'm thankful that I was. There are so many worse options. I stayed vulnerable because I had compassion, tenderness and, unfortunately for me, I wore my heart on my shoulder. Many situations that took that vulnerability for granted caused me to harden up and become much harder to hurt (visibly). If you've ever read anything I've written, it's obvious that I still wear it on my sleeve, I've just put a thin protective covering over it.

I am still, consistently, shocked by the behavior of people. As much of the bad, sad, difficult, unimaginable (etc) that I've witnessed as there has been, and I find it amazing that my vulnerability is so fragile that I'm nearly devastated by the simple, hurtful acts that some people show towards others, animals, and themselves. I'm not talking about any particular thing that has happened recently. But rather, everything I witness that shocks me to my core, whether those around me realize it or not.

In no particular order, these are a few of the things I've witnessed recently that have caused my hair to stand on end and my heart to become a little sadder. A man stepped on a mouse and killed it because (he says) it was going to bite him. He was wearing boots and the mouse was on the ground; A woman blatantly talking about someone who was in earshot, making hurtful remarks about that person and then shrugging it off when noticed; the very recent shooting in Arizona of several people, killing and wounding many; one woman's negativity so affecting those around her that their negativity affects everyone like a wave; the wishing of people dead just because their views aren't shared...

A lot of the things I find shocking seem trivial on a broad scale, but they aren't to me. My brother once said that I was empathetic and at the time I just sort of rolled my eyes and chalked it up to everyone being able to put themselves in someone else's shoes. I have thought quite a bit about that in the years since he said it and I think that maybe he's right. There is a group of people in Slidell that I actually have quite a bit in common with socially. But I refuse to meet them and hang out with them when they are all together because I can feel the negativity and vampire-esq attitudes of those that attend. Individually I like them just fine, but as a group they leave the metaphorical metallic taste of blood in my mouth.

I realize that when I write, I write a lot of depressing and negative...prose? But I only write when I have things weighing my mind down. Sometimes it is about me and other times it isn't. Then again, there are times, like now, when it's a bit of both. I'm really not like this all the time. I LOVE to laugh. I love to look for the humor in all situations. I love to see beauty in anything from another person, to a sign on a building. I love to entertain and make people around me feel good. When you hear me making funny, sarcastic and dry comments and then turn around and be sugary sweet to someone I don't know, don't assume that I'm faking that change or the things I'm saying. I am genuinely happy to help in any way I can... and to anyone that needs it. The beauty in the human world, and most definitely outside of it, is so infinite and so (here's that word again) vulnerable that it hurts me to my core to see anything mess that up.

When I'm down and can't give you a reason as to why, just understand that it isn't going to last. I will find beauty again. You just have to give me time to work out my disappointment in whatever I've seen, done or heard.

Using This Thing For Good

I keep saying I'm going to write. I know that writing is cathartic and one of my few ways of really being able to get those things that bother me off my chest. The other major one is being ignored as deeply as writing is. I feel like I have all of this pent up energy built up inside me that is dying to get out and I can't seem to find the faucet. Either that or I'm afraid to find it because it's been rusted shut and I can't find the tools to fix it.

When I write, I try not to think about what I'm writing or the people that may/may not be reading it. Unfortunately, one of those two things seems to be getting in my way over the last two or three years. So my words have had very little flow. I think this all has to do with the same rut I've gotten myself stuck in. I told my best friend the other night that I feel like I'm continuously running myself into a wall. I can see that there are more than two ways to get around the wall, but I am running myself into it anyway. I'm not sure what is on the other side, but I would rather the comfortability of the same pain of having my nose smashed into the bricks over and over again than to try and figure out new ways of getting myself hurt. I just can't go on like this. If I do, I'll end up a severely tattooed, 60-yr old woman with cats and renting a crappy apartment in the middle of a nowhere town. No children, no prospects, no...anything. As long as I continue to sit on my ass, that is where I'm going to end up.

I would very much like to see myself doing some of the following: being more creative, actively finding a job that is more suitable to who I am, using this blog for something other than depressing rants, getting more involved with my photographs, finally design that wood carving I've been avoiding., etc. They are goals. Now I just need to see if I'm able to follow through with them.

**side note: I know you're watching, but I can't understand why you don't just speak to me. Even if it's to tell me what you *really* think of me. But the move is in your hands. It always has been. I'll love you for my whole life. Just so you know.**