Using This Thing For Good

I keep saying I'm going to write. I know that writing is cathartic and one of my few ways of really being able to get those things that bother me off my chest. The other major one is being ignored as deeply as writing is. I feel like I have all of this pent up energy built up inside me that is dying to get out and I can't seem to find the faucet. Either that or I'm afraid to find it because it's been rusted shut and I can't find the tools to fix it.

When I write, I try not to think about what I'm writing or the people that may/may not be reading it. Unfortunately, one of those two things seems to be getting in my way over the last two or three years. So my words have had very little flow. I think this all has to do with the same rut I've gotten myself stuck in. I told my best friend the other night that I feel like I'm continuously running myself into a wall. I can see that there are more than two ways to get around the wall, but I am running myself into it anyway. I'm not sure what is on the other side, but I would rather the comfortability of the same pain of having my nose smashed into the bricks over and over again than to try and figure out new ways of getting myself hurt. I just can't go on like this. If I do, I'll end up a severely tattooed, 60-yr old woman with cats and renting a crappy apartment in the middle of a nowhere town. No children, no prospects, no...anything. As long as I continue to sit on my ass, that is where I'm going to end up.

I would very much like to see myself doing some of the following: being more creative, actively finding a job that is more suitable to who I am, using this blog for something other than depressing rants, getting more involved with my photographs, finally design that wood carving I've been avoiding., etc. They are goals. Now I just need to see if I'm able to follow through with them.

**side note: I know you're watching, but I can't understand why you don't just speak to me. Even if it's to tell me what you *really* think of me. But the move is in your hands. It always has been. I'll love you for my whole life. Just so you know.**