A New Year

I'm sitting and listening to random fireworks go on all over the city. I can hear people start to celebrate a new year coming and the ending of the year past. Ringing out the old. 2010 will not be forgotten by me for the rest of my life. I lost my mom this year. I had a short dream the other night and when I woke up, I wanted to cry. I heard her voice. Up until that moment, I realized that I remember my grandmother's smell and her voice more than I remember my mom's.

I remember so many odd things about my mom. In particular, I remember how unique she was. A crazy concoction of impossible to like, impossible to hate, brilliance, defiance, stupidity, tenderness, and love. She was more open-minded than anyone I have ever come into contact with. In my youthful rebellion, I often found myself saying things to shock her and rarely found any fruits of the labor. She was hard to shock, and when you did it was because you hit below the belt and she was more hurt than shocked. She loved people for who they were and even when she didn't agree with what they did.

My mom was a cognitive thinker and had a cognitive humor. She often referred to my sister and I as "snipers" because we hit hard, below the belt and with precision. Well we learned it from her. She was a high speed bullet in conversations and could out-think, out-reason, out-dirty and just plain top anyone she went up against.

So much of that was forgotten or pushed away in these last years of her changing so much. I forgot how much I adored her, loved her, how much she loved us and the fact that she was so damned funny. The fact is, I miss my mother, wish she were here, wish she were around to see me finally accomplish anything real in my life, bear witness to all of my precious moments and wish I could hear her laugh that deeply amused belly laugh she used to let go.

I think that it's been a little harder for me to let go because I have so much guilt associated with her death. And I'm sure some of that is normal. But it still hurts that I did all of those things I did. I'll just leave it at that.

Suffice it to say, I will miss her everyday of my life. I don't ever want to stop missing her because of who she really was, not the person she had become towards the end. I will not, however, miss this year. I have never welcomed the end of a year so much. I am going to celebrate by having a glass of wine and going to bed early.

I wish everyone a very Happy New Year and one filled with all of your wishes and dreams fulfilled.