There are some incredibly annoying stereotypes for men and women going around that I'd like to have clarified at some point. Unfortunately, finding experts in the subject of either is just not possible.

Men
The stereotype of the classic, heterosexual, american male is the football loving, can't listen to a word a woman says, beer drinking, belching, disgusting, unwashed, woman ogling pig that has been made the subject of numerous sitcoms and comedy shows. I might know 3 of those guys. And one of them might be a woman...

That would be one extreme of male. The other is the sensitive guy. If you have seen Bedazzled you know the one I'm talking about. This is the guy that writes love poetry, attentive to the point of obnoxious, caring, sharing, full of feelings (and tears), won't fight for you (or with you for that matter) to avoid all means of confrontation. Sweater sets and/or hippie clothes.

Ugh. To both extremes, I say...ugh. Guys, you know why women read romance novels where the man is the pirate captain who kidnaps her and then falls in love with her, right? Because the guy is rough, tough, knows what he wants, how to get it, gets it and makes sure it's known to the world too. He's vicious (this definition: dangerously aggressive : b: marked by violence or ferocity : fierce) and can leave you wanting more. He makes a woman feel like...well...a woman by sheer comparison of his manliness.

Do we understand? I say it's time for men to embrace the passion they used to have. Strike a blow for testosterone! That doesn't mean you should refuse to help around the house in exchange for more sports, bars, drinking, ogling. It means that maybe when your wife gets home, ignore her like you usually do. Then when she goes into the kitchen (or wherever), walk up behind her while she isn't expecting it. Hug her from behind, tell her something nice like "*low, dangerous growl*" Come on, do it. Women like to hear that. Primal, gutteral noises. Not grunting. Do Not Grunt! We, as women, loooove to hear that we are desired. Nothing says "I'm going to fuck you like there is no tomorrow becuase this is how you make me feel" like a dangerous growl in the ear and the desire in your eyes. If your woman doesn't respond to that...well she's nuts. Lose her. She's a hopeless case.

Ok, ok fine. Don't lose her. That's not fair. But I offially draw a blank as to what to tell you to do about her. It doesn't even register in my mind that there is a woman out there who doesn't have fantasies of being so desired that she's just taken (consentually of course. No means no).

Women
The stereotype for a classic, heterosexual, american woman isn't much better. And I have to admit, ladies, this is just embarassing. We are, conniving, shopaholic, bitching, nagging, whining, manipulating, let me withhold sex because I didn't get what I wanted from you, let me make enough excuses for my own behavior so that you feel like an ass because you're a male and that makes me better, assholes.

Yes, that's right. You're an asshole.

Stop it. Right now.

Women's biggest problem is that they are unable to use logic to solve any problem. Especially ones inside their own relationships. I'm sorry girls, but inferring that you may or may not be mad about something that may or may not have anything to do with your S.O. is going to make the man think "Uhoh, she's in that mood again. Don't know why, know I must stay away." Do you really want your man to be intimidated by you? Do you enjoy using sex as a weapon? Oi! You're giving the lot of us a bad name.

If you walk into your home and spend more than half the time that you're there annoyed by your man, he might not be the problem. It might be you. It might be the fact that you have a headache 6 nights out of the week. It might be that you cry, moan, whine, bitch, nag, argue when you don't get something you want because you don't want to go and get it yourself. Shut up. Go get it. Weak, helpless women...well...they suck.

Stop sucking.

Wait...wrong message. Start sucking. This is another problem with the classic, stereotypical woman. You hate sex. You are scared of it. You are a prude. Nothing makes a relationship less happy than prudish woman. Learn about your body. Learn what turns it on. Do some quick research. Read some literotica. Do whatever you need to do to find out what turns you on and then...here's the scary part....tell your man! God forbid, he should be willing to oblige. And then, terror of terrors...you should both be satisfied.

Sex is not scary. I don't care how many times you've done it or with what reasoning you've stopped. It's a natural function and 90% of the reason most couples get together to begin with. Men are not going to be happy unless you fuck them. I'm sorry. I even understand why some guys, who are forced to go, not months, but years without sex look for it elsewhere. That's not to say that I approve of affairs. I whole-heartedly do not. But what do you expect them to do? When you dated, you would ignore the one you were interested in the least. If you do the same to your man, he's going to find something elsewhere.

I know, I know. It's just not always this simple. And I understand that this isn't what happens in all relationships. But rather than find a definition of a relationship that fits your own, why not try to find out what the real problems are and work on those? Talking, fucking, understanding and honesty are just never bad ways to go. If you're too sensitive or too hard in your own relationship, it's going to fail.