Changes

I realize that our lives are forever changing. But when you are involved in the daily process, it's hard to notice the changes that happen over time. The big changes are more significant and that's where I am now. Change is something I have never been rightly comfortable with. I suppose most people I know are that way. I'm not good at the pain and all the negative things that tend to come with pain, although I am getting better at it. The idea doesn't seem as insurmountable as it once did.

I suppose the biggest change in the last year was the loss of my mother. It's been a very odd year. Most days are good and seem like everything is going well and the death of my mother, while ever present, doesn't seem like that big of a deal. I think it's all perspective, but that's not really the point. Of course, there are other days that I feel the pain of that huge loss very deeply and very acutely. It has helped tremendously in the last three months that I've met someone and already am feeling those touches of long-term love effects.

His name is Brandon. And he is good for me. He's made me realize that I can do all of these things I want to do and have been stalling about. He is actually a lot alike me in those ways and I believe that we can motivate each other forward to get some big life things accomplished. I admit that it makes me nervous to be in love with someone after such a short time, but not so much that it scares me away from the idea. I've been hesitant to talk about it up until now just in case it turns out bad. But after three months, I don't feel the need to kill him or harm him in some way. That, alone, speaks volumes about him and the way I feel about him because my level of intolerance for other people in my personal space is almost infamous and has been a source of amusement among my friends for many years. I am withholding all my professions of a life together, no matter how often he and I speak about it, until we have had our first big fight and have survived it. It doesn't even seem to be on the horizon and I'm not looking to cause it.

He is a good guy and comes from a good family. What family I've met so far I like and it seems that they like me. At least, they have no major objections to me so far. I'm happy about that. He has a very deep respect for his parents and I would very much like them to love me, in time. There were some initial tensions about how his family would feel about me. I am the first white girl he has ever dated. While he is not the first black guy that I've dated, knowing how that was for me, I was nervous at the reaction his family would have. They don't seem to care much about that as much as they are concerned that he will end up hurt. That makes me like them even more. I knew how my immediate family would react. Their only contention, for the years they've known that I am not the personality type to stay within one specific race, was that he is a good guy and that I'm happy. I love that my family raised me that way and feel that way as well. I'm still not sure how the rest of my family will react, but I'll be honest, I don't care. They are not involved in my relationship with him and won't be. However, it does say a lot about Brandon that I am looking forward to introducing him to my extended family so that they get to know him. He is one of the few I've ever brought home, of any race.

I am currently revising my resume and am ready to join the real world again. I thank the time I had here at Walmart to spend a year with minimal responsibility. Walmart also introduced me to the man I plan on spending many many more years with. So I'm not unhappy about the time I've spent there, but I am not a retail lifer. I can never be enough of a kiss-ass to middle-management to stay in retail. I'm more suited to a situation where I can speak my mind when I find problems and not be made into a bad seed because of it. I'm not saying that's what Walmart, specifically, is doing. It's just the magical world of retail, like it or not. Don't rock the boat. Don't tip that delicate balance of making more money than people should have while trying to pretend to care about the customer's needs. It's not me.

So, I am going to take some advice from my father and start sending out my resume looking for a researching job. Even if it's a crap job with a crap company to start, I need some job experience doing it. I have plenty of personal experience researching random information. I love it. And I think that over the last few years, between my genealogy and school, I've discovered a natural talent for it. My biggest problems in find a job doing that will be my lack of a degree in any related field and companies that may not have a need for it. I'm hoping that there are companies that have a need for it, but don't know it yet and are willing to give me a chance to prove myself. It's worth a shot. I can't keep doing what I'm doing. It doesn't pay my bills, almost at all, I'm not happy doing it and I feel like I'm too smart to keep doing what I'm doing. I refuse to stay in this rut. So I'm wishing myself luck and am going to attempt to get out of my comfort zone and try and imagine myself doing something I've never imaged before. It will be an interesting adventure.